My Breastfeeding Journey

[Disclaimer: This is probably my longest post I’ve ever written and it’s just as much for me as it is for anyone who might be interested in reading it, maybe more so. Also, as this is a breastfeeding post, I’m assuming there is no such thing as TMI.]

Both leading up to and during actual pregnancy, breastfeeding was always something that scared me. I have a low pain tolerance and I’d heard it was painful in the beginning, not to mention time consuming and your boobs never look the same again. But what I didn’t consider, is that it might not even be an option. 

I’ve always believed that fed is best, whether that be breastmilk or formula—and you make the decision of how to feed your baby that works for your family. I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding, but I was open to the idea that I might not like it or might not do it for long if I hated it. Honestly, I didn’t give too much thought to how long I would want to try to breastfeed because I knew I truly believed fed is best and so I figured I would work that part out when I got there. I’m such a planner, but there is so much else to plan with having a baby and I was more consumed with worrying about how much it would hurt.

I thought, at the time, I was as prepared as I could be. And maybe I was. I had talked to lots of moms, read some blogs, attended a virtual breastfeeding class, watched some videos on latching and positions and I got nursing bras and a breast pump. I’d even attempted to get in touch with a lactation consultant ahead of giving birth, which I’d heard could be helpful to make sure you had the right size flange for your breast pump and to prepare you for breastfeeding, but when it was challenging to work with my insurance and the consultant, I wrote it off as an extra precaution I didn’t need to take and there was enough else going on. Reflecting back, maybe I should have tried to make it work.

Fast forward to Levi’s arrival. I’m just not sure that there was anything that could have truly prepared me for what breastfeeding was really like. I had an unplanned (but non-emergency) c-section and Levi was born a healthy, albeit little guy, at 5 pounds 15 ounces. Through a mix of exhaustion and medication, I barely remember them putting him on me to breastfeed for the first time in the hour after he was born. What I do remember, is the many many times we attempted afterwards during our hospital stay. 

Being small, Levi had a hard time latching on and my nipples weren’t helping. I wouldn’t call them flat, but they definitely didn’t protrude a lot, making his struggles with latching on that much harder. Each nurse that came in to help had a slightly different technique and I swear, he hated all of them. He’d scream and turn bright red for the ones that were more aggressive and claimed that I really needed to jam him on there. And even for the more gentle nurses with softer dispositions, he just wasn’t getting the hang of it. Neither was I. I got it in theory, but it was painful and stressful. I had never considered the stress before. I was so focused on how it was going to hurt, I didn’t even consider the added stress of seeing your brand new baby having a hard time or not getting enough to eat. Everyone kept reassuring me that I was doing great and that it would all work out.

Beyond latching issues, I didn’t think anything was coming out. I know it can take a few days for your milk to come in, but I didn’t even feel like my colostrum had come in. They told me I should hand express or use the hospital pump to try to get it going and it’s possible I hated that even more than breastfeeding. At least with breastfeeding you’re holding your baby. But overall, no one really seemed concerned. They all said my milk would come in and it would be fine. I had one of the resident lactation consultants come in to check us out too. She gave me nipple shields to try and set it up so that I could rent a hospital grade pump to use at home. She was kind and seemed confident that this was all pretty normal.

Having just given birth, I was very emotional. Recovery is no joke and I had really not expected a c-section. I felt bedridden. Each breastfeeding session was getting more and more stressful because it wasn’t getting easier and I didn’t feel like we were making any progress. Not to mention that my nipples were getting more and more sore and dry. Levi was losing weight, which is normal for a newborn, but I was becoming panicked about it because I was so sure he wasn’t getting anything from me. Newborns only need a tiny bit of colostrum every few hours, but how could I be sure he was getting that? It felt like he wasn’t and I felt hugely responsible. I was doing all I could, but I was dreading each session, both the pain and feeling of failing.
By our last night in the hospital, he had lost 9% of his bodyweight, getting very close to that dangerous 10% number they tell you about, but everyone who came in seemed so calm about it. That should have helped me remain calm, but calm I was not! I’m sure a mixture of hormones and being a first time mom have something to do with it, but I felt like no one was helping me. I was about to be sent home and I wasn’t sure I could feed my baby and there would be no doctors there to check on him! I asked the nurse on shift that night about it and she said I could supplement with formula if I wanted to. She brought us a tiny bottle of formula and recommended we breastfeed first and then give him 5 ml of formula, wait, and then offer another 5. Levi sucked it down and I breathed out, for what felt like the first time in days, knowing he was getting something to eat. 

We were discharged the next day with an appointment to come back the following day to check on Levi’s weight loss. We continued with the plan at home—breastfeed and then give 5 ml and then another 5. At his appointment the following day he had gained some weight back and so they recommended we continue to keep doing what we were doing. They also set us up to see the lactation department a few days later to check in. 

In the lactation department, they helped to give me some tips with positioning (turns out you want the baby much higher up than I would have thought so that you don’t need to bend over) and latch. The lactation consultant (LC) did a weighted feed which is essentially weighing the baby on a very sensitive scale before and then after feeding on each breast to assess how much milk he is getting. She agreed that he wasn’t quite getting enough from me, but felt confident we could improve my supply and his latch. She told me to breastfeed on each breast for 20 minutes, then feed him 10 ml of pumped breastmilk or formula, then pump for another 20 minutes. This is known as a triple feed. Did I mention that she told me to do this at least 8 times a day? She also recommended a supplement called Fenugreek to boost my supply. We hurried off to the store to get some and I felt relieved we had a plan and hopeful, but also overwhelmed at the idea of the triple feed. Since newborns need to be fed every 2-3 hours from the start of the feed and that schedule means the triple feed itself would take at least an hour, it looked like I’d be spending most of my day sitting and attempting to feed. That’s not fun for anyone, but I had an especially hard time sitting for long periods of time with my c-section incision. BUT I really wanted to make this work so I was determined to try it!

Thank goodness for Brendan. I don’t know how I could have done any of this without his support, both emotional and actual physical support doing everything he could to help us. He washed pump supplies (which needed to be cleaned after each pumping session), gave Levi the pumped milk or formula while I pumped and would even just sit with me so I had company. I quickly realized that the triple feed was not going to happen in the middle of the night. I just couldn’t pump after feeding, I was too tired so I was doing my best, but I was only pumping around 5 times a day. Also, did I mention that pumping hurts!? It is not comfortable and in addition to the nipple pain, I was getting pain in my back right around the bra line when I pumped. I think I must have been tweaking a nerve or something?

Without relaying too much about all the other LC appointments (I was going 2x a week), basically the gist was, he was growing, sleeping, happy and healthy. So they just kept telling me to keep doing what I was doing. My supply increased a little bit, but so did his needs and I was never able to pump enough to keep up, meaning he was always getting some formula. The appointments no longer felt helpful, they would check his latch, weigh him and tell me I should try to pump more than the 5 times a day I was already doing. So I was leaving the appointments feeling frustrated. I had also started getting extremely, and painfully, gassy and so did Levi which it turned out was from the Fenugreek supplement so I stopped taking it all together, it didn’t seem to be making much of a difference anyway.

What was really unexpected was how emotional I would be about all of this. How emotional I still am about it, although it’s gotten better. I did and do still believe fed is best. But I had always approached that from the perspective of choice. That is it your choice how you choose to feed your baby and what is right for you and your baby. This wasn’t my choice! My body wasn’t cooperating! It was hard to see or hear about other women breastfeeding, knowing it wasn’t going how I had planned, that I wasn’t making enough to feed my baby. 

In the beginning, with his latch issues, Levi used to make this face at me. It almost looked like he was disgusted. It makes me laugh now to think about it. It sometimes made me laugh at the time, but it also sometimes made me cry. I know he wasn’t actually disgusted with me or my milk, but when we were struggling sometimes it just felt that way. I’d hear about babies who were happily breastfeeding, pulling themselves off after ten minutes when they were satisfied and done. Who are these babies?! Levi would stay on all day if I let him. Sometimes I’d let him stay on for an hour because he was happily nursing and I was just hoping it would signal to my body to make enough, that he wanted it! It felt strange to have to detach him after an hour and then give him formula or pumped milk. But he was still hungry. 

I read a lot of forums and articles during this time. Desperate for information, but also for community. To know it wasn’t just me. It did help a little. Breastfeeding is hard. No matter if you’re an underproducer, overproducer, or make just the right amount. It’s hard. That seems to be universal. Through my reading I came across an article about combo feeding (giving both breastmilk and formula) and it helped me shift my thinking. I had been working so hard at this goal of being able to exclusively breastfeed. Important word there being “exclusively”. I thought if I wasn’t breastfeeding, I’d be formula feeding. I had been considering what I was doing as an inbetween step. But why? Couldn’t I continue to combo feed? I had never considered it. Once I really let that sink in, I was able to start to let go of some of the pain and frustration (and failure) I was feeling. Combo feeding allowed me to give Levi some of the benefits of breastmilk while also allowing someone else to easily feed him or feed him when we were out without having to bring pumped milk or breastfeed in public. (I do want to note, I have nothing against public breastfeeding and would have happily done so, but logistically it is so much harder so I commend all of those who do it, we only did it a few times!).

I’m sure it also helped that it was getting easier to breastfeed. Levi’s latch was better, he was getting a little stronger. It wasn’t painful every time anymore—although sometimes it still was, but other times it was just sweet. Don’t get me wrong though. This article didn’t change my life immediately and allow me to let go of all my guilt and sadness around breastfeeding. But it planted the seed that combo feeding was not just a road to one way or the other. That being said, I still wanted to try a little longer to get to exclusively breastfeeding. I wasn’t such an undersupplier that it seemed out of the question so it was hard to let go of that dream. This was just about at the 2 month mark and it was nearing the end of the timing they say where your body learns to regulate how much milk you make. I rented a hospital grade scale and started doing my own weighted feeds in the mornings and evenings to see how much he was getting from me and if it was increasing. I was still breastfeeding on each side for 20 minutes and I had someone recommend weighing after 10 minutes to see if he was really getting milk that entire 20 minutes. This hadn’t even crossed my mind! I was so thankful for the suggestion because what I learned was that Levi was getting 90% of the milk that he was going to get from each breast in the first 10 minutes and barely anything the second 10 minutes. What this allowed me to do was shorten my feeding time without being worried that I was short changing him on breastmilk. And getting that 20 minutes (10 minutes per side) back each feeding was monumental when you add it up for each day. Sometimes I’d still leave him on longer, but mostly, everyone seemed happier to have the time back to play and read and cuddle. I did the weighted feeds off and on for about a month. I also tried power pumping, where you pump for 20 minutes, pause for 10 minutes, pump another 10, pause another 10 and pump another 10 for a total of one hour. You do this every day for a week and it can help to boost your supply. My supply had increased since those early days when I was producing around 1.7 ounces total in the mornings to about 3 ounces, but it still wasn’t enough for what he needed each feeding and my supply would drop throughout the day till the last feeding at night. I was glad I rented the scale. In combination with my revelation about combo feeding not being an inbetween step, it allowed me to accept that I was never going to keep up with his needs. Even if I pumped all the time, I wasn’t producing enough pumped milk to replace the formula. I didn’t enjoy pumping so I mostly stopped. It wasn’t making too much of a difference in terms of what he was getting, I wasn’t going back to work so I didn’t need a “stash” and not pumping allowed me more time (to myself and just enjoying Levi) and less stress. 

We’re now at the 5.5 month mark and we’re still going strong with the combo feeding. Breastfeeding stopped hurting all together around the 2.5 or 3 month mark. I increased the amount of formula he’s getting and sometimes he doesn’t want to breastfeed for more than a few minutes on each side (although I can tell he’s much stronger and efficient at sucking now). I don’t know what ratio of formula to breastmilk he’s getting and I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes still wonder and worry about it, but most of the time I can let it go. He is so happy, smiling and laughing all the time, and growing—I’d rather spend my energy enjoying him and each stage he’s in than counting ounces. I still sometimes wonder, did I do enough? If I had stuck it out in the beginning for longer before giving him formula, or if I had breastfed him every 2 hours instead of 3 or or or… But I try to remind myself that I was doing the most that I could in those moments. There is no sense in wondering. 

I don’t know where we’ll go from here. I don’t have a plan of when I’ll stop. I’m mostly trying to take his lead. It’s been such a journey and has taught me so much. I read so many “success stories” of moms struggling with supply issues, who worked hard and eventually were able to boost their supply and while I’m happy for their success, I hope this can be a post for those who tried and weren’t able to, to see they aren’t alone and they are no less successful. To all the moms, or future moms, who might be reading, I see you, don’t let anyone (especially yourself!) make you feel like you’re feeding your baby the wrong way, we’re all just doing our best!

TLDR: There is no “one size fits all” right way to feed a baby. Fed is best whether that’s breastfeeding, pumping, formula or some combo in between.